How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
