I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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