It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
