I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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