Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
