just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
