she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
