wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
