i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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