who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
