I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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