I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
