Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
