Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
