I heard we made out
My nipple is on Facebook.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
