nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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