Banned from zoo.
Again?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
