the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
