Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
