Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Randomize
