I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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