the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
