if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
sex in a hospital.. check
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
