Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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