mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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