Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
