Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
