Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
