dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
