my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
