He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
this is an emotional support booty call
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
