i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
