Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
