how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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