Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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