I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just had sex bonerless
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
