I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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