Don't make out with my wife yet
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
