It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
