when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
