I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
