I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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