I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
