i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
tell your sister to shave her snatch
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
