It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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