My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
