Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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