I wish I could punch you in the face.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
