there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
