cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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