How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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